Faith in Flux: An Introduction

When I was growing up, there was a lot of value placed on what one would call "testimony." In the context of my own history, someone’s testimony was a treasured thing that could be used to help others on their quest for a more contented life. I still recognize a nugget of truth in that, but, unfortunately, testimony shifted in meaning for me as I grew. My testimony was tainted, made shameful, and weaponized against myself and people like me. I’ll get to how that happened later in this project. But even now, I have to believe that the core truth of testimony is still a net positive. Somehow my story matters and might allow others to see a path forward when theirs feels unclear. Ultimately, this is why I’m excited about this project.

What Is a Spiritual Autobiography?

The word "testimony" is very Christian-coded for me. Because of that, it also carries a negative connotation in my mind. But essentially, that’s what this is. A Spiritual Autobiography is a retelling of my life through a spiritual lens. I’ll be looking at how my life has fallen into place spiritually—not as a puzzle that perfectly fits together, but like a game of Scrabble that morphs, changes, and sprawls across the board as words and definitions are added to the collective whole. To me, a Spiritual Autobiography should reflect how my life has changed due to different spiritual factors and the steps I’ve taken to get to where I am now.

The Promises I’m Making

To undertake a project like this, I need ground rules before I begin writing. Not only have I created an outline for this project, but I’ve also developed three essential rules to guide how I’ll share my story:

1. Honesty about Myself: I will be as honest as possible about my own thoughts, feelings, and actions—even when it paints me in an unflattering light.

2. Honesty about Others: I will be as honest as possible about the actions of others and how they affected me. This is not a space to degrade others, but to report the objective facts of events that pertain to my journey.

3. Writing for Myself: This project is first and foremost for me. While I do plan to publish it, I won’t let the desire for external validation soften or alter what I need to express. My goal is to reflect on my spiritual journey in pursuit of personal affirmation of my Jewish faith.

These rules sound straightforward, but I have fears attached to them. I’m afraid of revealing too much of myself publicly. I’ve shared these stories before with people I care about and trust. As stories do, they’ve morphed—not in content, but in how I see them. I worry about how people I love will interpret my perspective. Will they recognize how their actions impacted me? Will they agree? Whose relationships will I hurt by publishing my thoughts and feelings?

And finally, I’m worried no one will care. The most important rule is also the one I’m most likely to break. I’ve worked hard to detach my personal value from others’ opinions. Yet I still daydream about this project gaining traction, about people engaging with my story in meaningful ways. But I’m self-aware enough to know this likely won’t happen. My story, while deeply important to me, is not unique. To assume otherwise feels arrogant and self-serving. I don’t want that to be how I move through the world, so I’ll try my best to stay focused on writing for myself.

What Will This Project Look Like?

The premise of this project is simple: to explore the spiritual experiences that brought me to where I am today. As someone who has been journaling non-stop since age 16, tracing the events of my life is relatively easy. But, being someone prone to excessive ambition, I wanted to create something substantive and interconnected—something I could be proud of.

Originally, the project was presented in three possible formats:

1. A Long-Form Essay: Telling the story of my spiritual journey in one comprehensive piece.

2. A Series of Short Essays: Reflecting on questions commonly asked in a traditional beit din.

3. An Artistic Representation: A creative project capturing my spiritual past and Jewish future.

While I liked the idea of a long-form essay, I couldn’t narrow my story down to a single focus. The short essays seemed promising, but I wanted something interconnected—like a quilt of individual reflections forming one cohesive whole. As for the artistic approach, while I’m creative, I’m also too literal and analytical to dive into art without a clear outline.

So, I’ve decided to have my cake and eat it too. This project will unfold as a series of blog posts, each reflecting a segment of my spiritual journey. Collectively, these posts will form my full Spiritual Autobiography. The posts will include images, doodles, quotes, and whatever else feels right.

As of now, the project is divided into five major parts, each with its own collection of blog posts:

1. Spiritual History

2. Tipping Points

3. Exploring Judaism

4. Jewish Practice

5. Affirmation

I’m excited to share my story—my testimony—in a way that feels authentic, constructive, and freeing. I’ve been encouraged by others around me that my story will be impactful, even if only for myself. Here’s to the unraveling of self!